Seeking a spot of serenity somewhere in the universe, I recently booked a
deep-discount dodgy berth on the ‘White Elephant Express Space Shuttle’, to a
little known place in a galaxy far, far away.
“IT” (otherwise known as HD
36405.b) is not your average “oddball” exo-solar planet made of rock that
wobbles on its end and zips around a nearby star in less than 2.46
days.
Most linear thinkers have a great deal of difficulty even
comprehending why on earth anyone in their “right mind” would be interested in
visiting a planet called “IT”. Not being a linear thinker with an investment in
the “right” answer, I didn’t give a hoot. After all, what does one (who walks on
water and listens to miffed mortals all day long) do for a frigging night off,
now I ask you?
If truth be told, (after reading random excerpts from “The
Itty Bitty Bunkum Book About Life, the Universe and Practically Everything Under
the Sun Not To Mention Stuff Going On In Remote Galaxies), I was simply
delirious. According to its noted author, Dr. Jarn Leffer, “IT is a ’must-see’
for those with little time on their hands and a passionate interest in Innocuous
Things.”
As planets go, “IT” is a pretty ho-hum celestial pit-stop with
perhaps one exception… the welcome notice that reads, “Cosmic Cowboys - Welcome
to the furthest unexplored outreaches of the Galaxy … Home to the Flop Fairy and
Oodles of Gadflies!”
“IT” is populated by colonies of giggling, green
grasshoppers . What else would you expect to inhabit a far-flung,
fantasy-challenged hellhole like this? But, what made “IT” strictly speaking a
strange place was the fact that the inhabitants munch on green, biodegradable
garbage bags just for fun. Lacking masticating capabilities, the gadflies
process their food by vigorously jumping up and down on it. No wonder they have
no need for fast-food franchises, strip malls or landfills!
Anyway, I
picked up this picturesque postcard of the blessed ballyhooing buglugs. They
look perfectly happy but don’t be deceived. In reality, they’re just a gang of
glad-handing grasshoppers. They don’t play golf, eat burgers, or drink beer --
and none can frost a rock! Come to think of it, apart from the company of bugs
and the elusive flop fairy, this pathetic planet has precious little going for
IT!!
To put "IT" bluntly, life on “IT” is just shy of a tittynope*. The
jolly green grasshoppers and the carefully manicured green fairways with sand
traps as far as the eye can see certainly make for an utterly harmless world.
Regrettably, without a pair of golf clubs, a dimpled white ball, and the notion
that 19th hole even exists on this planet -- ”IT” is about as fun as bag of
toads!
Life Lesson 42: Remember to talk to your travel agent before ever
embarking on a flight of fancy to a planet called “IT” in a galaxy named
“Have-a-Nice-Day”!!
__________
*"Tittynope" for you whiffling
word-peckers means "a small quantity of anything left over".
If you want
to know what those green, glad-handing grasshoppers from "IT" look like -- ask
any four-year old, or failing that request some help from a Flying Saucer Club
member.
About the Author
Theolonius McTavish is a somewhat spaced-out time-traveller (of minor
relevance and importance in the great scheme of things). When not probing odd
things happening somewhere in the depths of the universe, he enjoys chinwagging
with all manner of merry folk at www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com
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